Pennsylvania: A Natural History

Volume I, Part Two: The Pond Moose and Other Fauna of Pennsylvania

THE POND MOOSE 
The Pennsylvania pond moose is a filthy, awesome animal.  When small flocks of dung robins spot the moose’s dark hump rising above the surface of a pond, they descend and perch on the hump or “rudiment” in order to crack and eat the barnacles, moss-crabs and aquatic nuts which adhere in the moose’s rich, briny coat.  Although an internal swim-bladder allows the moose to regulate its buoyancy, a forced surface or “natural lesson” can be achieved through the use of a heavy dredge called a moose plow. 
Natural habitat: Limeport; Philadelphia. 
Diet: plankton; the live-otter. 

THE SHRIMP 
[See also Forest Prawn.] 
Shrimp have thriven in moist areas of Pennsylvania known as seafood puddles. 
They are medium-sized, toothed beasts with many thousands of tiny hands called grapplers, and are known to emit a gas.  In winter, shrimp coat themselves with a whitish powder called a prawn lather.  The giant, shell-less shrimp of Pine Glen is found beneath soft, rotting logs in the woods.  When you pry up the log with a shrimp-spade, there it lies, embedded in the soil like an enormous, pale question mark. 
Natural habitat: the Garden View and Julian areas; Faunce. 
Diet: a natural salad of rape seeds and leaves. 

THE HEN 
The hen may be considered as a soft, carnivorous fungus which blooms in patches on Pennsylvania hillsides.  The body or “ball” of the hen is coated with a clear mucous membrane which protects the hen from insects and frost.  Cheerful elderly men and women roam the valleys of Gibbon Glade and Point Marion, laden with fowl-nets and hen switches.  When the hen is plucked or “stunned,” the ball blushes a pale rose color (indicating fury in the hen).  The spot from which the hen has been stunned is signified by an odor-print.  Hen populations reproduce asexually: the hen emits a spore which, when it finds purchase on a mossy area, calcifies in the sunlight until it forms a birth-kernel (known variously, according to region, as the “dirty-clam” or “cupcake”), which over time resolves itself into a fresh, natural hen. 
Natural habitat: (see above). 
Diet: small nesting animals; mole sap. 

THE WOLF 
[See also Werewolf.] 
The wolf has been extinct for many thousands of years.  The earliest extant lupine fossils (discovered in the outskirts of Lurgan by Macy, 1936) suggest a primitive monocellular physiology whereby a fur-sack contained a homogenous, saline life-matrix, or prairie gel. Certain portions of this gel crystallized seasonally to form a claw, which, when it extruded from a temporary orifice or “birth muzzle,” functioned as a tool for digging, scratching and fighting. 
Natural habitat: southern and central Pennsylvania (?). 
Diet: oats and wild grasses (?). 

THE ELK 
Science is now in a position to clarify several persistent misconceptions regarding the physiology of the elk.  What was formerly believed to be a fungal growth on the elk’s mouth is now understood to be a single unifang, an oral tusk centered within the lips of the elk, which is used for gnawing and burrowing.  Furthermore, the antlers are no longer seen as moveable “feelers” with which the elk perceives danger or light—rather they are a structural deformity of the upper head preventing the congenitally nervous animal from retreating quickly and easily back into its burrow, or elk-hole, where it emits a silk.  Elk silk, obtained with great difficulty, is the primary ingredient in a traditional Pennsylvania jelly.  Hostility toward the elk, a natural racism, remains an acute problem in some parts of Robinson.  
Natural habitat: Freysville; St. Boniface; Yoe. 
Diet: a complex, transparent lettuce. 

THE FISH 
[See also Swedish Fish.] 
While the substance of the fish is unknown, popular Pennsylvania folk-interpretations of the Bible suggest that Fish witnessed an unfathomable transgression enacted on Moon by Sun, and that for punishment Sky condemned the fish to endure life without eyelids, so that the flowing stream and bay currents would forever “wash” the Sin that had coated the surface of its eyes.  Some scientists believe the fish customarily hides its hands and legs somewhere inside itself.  What was once thought to be algae growth on the underbellies of some Pennsylvania fish is now understood to be a rare vestigial fur, a kind of tuft-rudder greatly prized by trappers for its soft, satiny sheen (see also Pike Mitten). 
Natural habitat: Stump Creek; Francis E. Walter Reservoir. 
Diet: minerals; the creek louse. 

THE GLUE HORNET 
[See also Bee (below).] 
Although the glue hornet of western Pennsylvania is often mistaken for the bee (see above), or even the “white” finch (see below), the glue hornet is not a “true” animal.  The glue hornet is thought to result from Pennsylvania children (seeBaby; Vampire, below) tossing used bits of chewing-gum or tootsie-sticks into the vicinity.  These insectomorphic particles often adhere to the leaves of bushes or the surfaces of parking signs (“urban hives”) where they tremble slightly or jiggle in strong Pennsylvania gales or regional hurricanes, as though they were alive. 
Natural habitat: Pittsburgh; Cherry Valley; Clune. 
Diet: the æther (?). 

THE DEER 
[See also Cat o’ Crime; Nature’s Terrorist.] 
The deer is a delicate, largely featureless swamp mammal with a venomous sting.  The deer is capable of delivering its sting in two ways: through a facial proboscis known as the lower-horn or “mouth”; and through the horn.  Although the mouth-sting is the more deadly of the two, both are unexceptionally fatal in humans.  (Whether the deer can spit its venom, and how far, remains an important but controversial question, hinging largely on anecdotal evidence—see Babtiste, 1922.)  The deer, a conscience-free mammal, has also been implicated in meadow-fondling and arson.  No Pennsylvania resident or other American should attempt to approach, detain, or corral one of these animals without a forest cloak and deer chisel, a hymnal, and a well-labeled stock of antidote (these can be obtained from local Hunting Clubs). 
Natural habitat: Big Shanty; New Washington; Kunkle. 
Diet: omnivorous. 

THE LESSER MOLE 
The lesser mole is a vine animal, first introduced into Pennsylvania orchards in the 1890s for its use in cultivating the plum.  The mole uses its “pin” to drill through the tough skin of the early fruit and fertilize the plum with its serum.  The mole, a kicking animal, has also been used in the preparation of “blind fritters,” a specialty of Earl township, and in a summer gravy. 
Natural habitat: the vineyards and fruit-groves of Oley and Blandon. 
Diet: nectar. 

THE BEE 
[See also Glue Hornet (above).] 
The Latin term for bees is apes, which gives Pennsylvania researchers clear indication that the bee and the ape are descended from a common ancestor.  Further evidence includes parallels in habitat and behavior such as the dangerous hive, the fecal honeycomb, and the abdomen which tapers to a point.  A mortar said to have restorative properties is derived from the wax of both animals.  Apes, much like bees, swarm viciously when disturbed and are largely hollow inside their chitinous exoskeletons.  An ape-pipe has been used in Lopez to control or “weave” the bee. 
Natural habitat: the sky; the ground; lakes; homes. 
Diet: water; air. 

THE HORSE 
[See also The Soilèd Horse; Urban Pony; Galloping Disaster.] 
The horse, the dirtiest animal known, is one of the greatest vectors for disease ever recorded in Pennsylvania.  Scientists (Cornelia, 1952; Floy, 1980) have studied the role of the horse with reference to stamping, biting, epilepsy, and Sudden Decay While Running (SDWR).  “Brown”-roundups, Derbies of Infection, hoof-lice and pandemic gum recess have been noted.  The horse is usually coated with dust. 
Natural habitat: ravine and canyon areas; parking lots. 
Diet: grubs; refuse; wood. 

THE HARE 
The hare is a naturally powerful work animal with degenerative hips.  If harnessed to an agricultural sled it can haul a several-hundred-pound load, but only for a few feet.  The hare respires through a dorsal “trumpet.” 
Natural habitat: Scranton; Mount Cobb. 
Diet: beef; loaves. 

THE OX 
[See also Stork; Mud-Jackal.] 
Few Pennsylvanians have been lucky enough to sight the ox, which has developed a bafflingly sophisticated camouflaging mechanism.  Kennedy and Viola (1983; 1985) have proposed that this Philadelphia Disguise Apparatus (PDA) is enabled by a vitamin residue or ox-lime (the product of denatured proteins found in the crustaceans and “hard” fruits ingested by the ox) which the animal secretes through its hide.  Outbreaks of consumption in the ox devastated local economies in the 1970s, before the now-common method of “doping” the ox was invented by Schneider. 
Natural habitat: Gum Tree; Huffs Church; Clayton. 
Diet: (see above). 

THE “WHITE” FINCH 
[See also Glue Hornet (above).] 
The “white” finch, one of the fastest of all animals, is a kind of concentrated chlorophyll “bomb.” When shot dead in the woods at close range with large caliber ordinance such as a slug or finch-cannon, the tiny corpse will catalyze an area of nearly uncontrollable vegetal or seed growth (see also Turnip Boom; Waterloo Chard Metastasis). 
Natural habitat: Maytown; Lewisberry; Coneville. 
Diet: ham; ice. 

THE VAMPIRE 
Manne (1990) concludes that the vampire is a form of deer (see above), localized in the Peanut-West Bolivar region, that was naturally selected to rear up on its hind legs and bite at people.  In the rainy season it develops a papery husk called a blood-bonnet or “cape.” The vampire will retreat if slapped.  Instant Quarantines have largely blocked the spread of the vampire in and around Nook. 
Natural habitat: (see above). 
Diet: people; babies (see below). 

THE ONION 
[See also Christmas Trophy; God’s Puzzle; Apple-of-the-Light.] 
Although full and fair treatment of the onion would require documentation far beyond the scope of the present study, it may be noted that the earliest inhabitants of Pennsylvania, in an instinctive effort to preserve the sacredness of the onion for all time, would slather their onions with a clam-paste or mollusk-based cement, before “re-planting” the onions in sub-surface shelters called “spice caskets” in the centers of their towns (Ora, 1902).  In the middle-historical period, Pennsylvania settlers would dig up the now-fossilized onions and travel throughout the state, displaying them for the townspeople in mobile museums called Life Carriages.  These troubadour botanists or “turnip-masters” would deliver fiery speeches known as Onion Riots—part evangelical folk-history, part scriptural exegesis—before returning the onions to their original homes or “love mounds” and resting them in their mausoleums (Abdullah, 1930).  Rich deposits of these Thanksgiving onions or “science moulds” have been discovered near the present site of Hebe.  Joy (1961) has produced an account of the Clearfield Shallot Massacres [see also Onion Perjury] of the early nineteenth century.  
Natural habitat: Pennsylvania. 
Diet: blessings (?). 

THE LION 
[See also Harrisburg Raptor.] 
The status of the lion is unclear.  Pearle (1950) and Maria (1991) have argued against the plausibility of the lion. 
Natural habitat: NA. 
Diet: NA. 

THE BABY 
[See also “White” Finch (above); Reduced Boy; Adoptive Baby; “Different” Baby.] 
The taxonomic status of the baby remains one of the most puzzling and fraught questions for the natural historian of Pennsylvania.  The baby can survive unattended in any Pennsylvania ecosystem, gathering grubs, bog candy, and glue hornets (see above) using a primitive pincer or “nutrition key.” Esse (1969) has claimed that the baby is capable of preparing crude nut custards and “veal,” while Lue (1997) proposes that the baby puts down a fleshy tap or “salt foot” to leech water and minerals out of the earth’s crust.  According to this theory, too much water leads to hydrocephalous, whereas too little water causes shingles.  Important new data has been gleaned from the efforts of Angelo (1986), who sponsored a study in which large numbers of babies were painstakingly gathered by field researchers in southern Pennsylvania and conveyed to Pittsburgh, to be tested for hearing, sin, and awareness.  
Natural habitat: Claussville (?). 
Diet: (see above). 

THE DOVE 
[See also Bird (above); Judgment Ball; Eagle of Mercy.] 
The dove is an evolutionary curiosity of Pennsylvania.  It is thought to be descended from a type of hare (see above) that dragged itself to a precipice in Enid or Dott and hurled itself over the edge.  The resultant animal is a pseudo-species of wingèd vermin characterized by its tendency, whilst coasting or flapping its wings in the remote upper-regions of the atmosphere, to instantaneously forget what flying is—a kind of hereditary mid-air retardation.  Historically this has posed a significant danger to the ecosystems of Pennsylvania, whereby citizens in the Mingoville region have been crippled, maimed, or murdered by doves, singly or in large groups, plummeting straight down for thousands of meters (see Valentine’s famous 1966 account, The Day It Rained Forever).  In State College and Weishample, groups of doves that have grounded or “triumphed,” forming peace-craters, have been raked into heaps and burned.  The resulting charred sites are dubbed Ararat, or (apocryphally) the “Mt. of Olives.” On rare occasions when it is handled or captured (“smitten”), the dove releases a long, low, soft groaning noise called a “finch sermon.” 
Natural habitat: cloud nests; vapor-holes. 
Diet: particles. 

Pennsylvania: A Natural History—Volume I, Part Three: The Owl and Additional Fauna of Pennsylvania, edited by ourselves and Joan Pie (Black Gap: Five Forks State Press, 2005) augments the present volume with additional information. 

We remain in the debt of many people who contributed to the completion of the first edition: the late Alice Fondha (Muhlenberg University), Teddy Hamm (Muncy Valley State College), Bob Hamm (Leetonia College), Vivienne Papini, Saul English (Brandt Centre), and Howard Tanaka of the Greeley School for the Blind.  We should also like to thank particularly, among many who have influenced the work represented here, Sam Reuster, Clement Hodgkins, Janice Winthrop, and Paul Sullivan.